Last week in one of my parenting workshops I noticed a participant moved
nearly to nearly to tears as we discussed the difficulties of being a
single parent. She was realizing that her recent parenting efforts had
resulted in giving everything to her son and putting herself at the
bottom of the list. And this method had yielded unfavorable results.
Her son didn't respect her and she was at the end of her parenting rope. This
left me thinking about the scenarios in which we often opt to give
everything to our children and end up with negative results we didn't
count on:
1. Spoiling out of Guilt:
Probably the most common
reason we Overgive to our kids. Why? Because parental guilt is present
in epic proportions. We feel guilty that we are single parents. We
feel guilty that we work. We feel guilty about everything! So we make ourselves feel better by giving everything to our kids. This method is not about what is truly best for the children. It is about us.
2.
Competitive Spoiling:
When parents feel the need to show
through material possessions that we love our kids more because we
give them the latest and greatest of everything. This is competitive parenting. It's not keeping up
with the Joneses anymore, it is surpassing the Joneses because it allows parents to feel superior to the Joneses and everyone else. Again, not best for the children, but fuels our desire to feel good about ourselves.
3.
I want to be your Friend Spoiling:
This spoiling is rooted in the
desire of the parent to be loved by the child and the misguided idea
that if we give them everything or permit them to do everything and
anything they want, our children will love us more and want us as their
best friend. This needy type of parenting really shows it's ugly head as our children get older. These are the parents start out by buying the kegs for high school parties and often end up hitting the bars in later years with their only BFF's -their own kids. Your kids don't want you for a friend, they want you to be their parent!
These three reasons seem to alone or in combination
with one another motivate us to Overgive to our children and put
ourselves at the bottom of the list. These types of parenting don't
deliver the results we are looking for. Instead of resulting in
children who worship us for our generosity and recognize the sacrifices
we have made on their behalf, we end up having children who don't
respect us or appreciate our efforts.
So here is my plea. Stop
handing everything to your kids and placing yourself at the bottom of
the list. Take care of yourself. Realize that your kids won't respect
you if you don't respect yourself. Remember your kids want you to act as a
parent. They can make their own friends. They only have two or
possibly one parent. Don't shirk your responsibility to be their
parent-a loving authority in their lives. And develop a life for yourself that gives you and your children something to be proud of.
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